Life is always a gift – that’s what I’ve realized

Today I realized that no matter what I’m going through I’m still alive to go through it and that is something to always be grateful for

Life is hard for everyone– that’s what I’ve realized

Next year my siblings and I want to visit Europe my father doesn’t want to go – it’s not even about the cost my siblings and I are paying he’s just a homebody –  and if he doesn’t go I can’t because I need to be lifted, carried and pushed my siblings can go with their future families or by themselves but if I don’t next year I’ll never go my parents are already in their 50s and aging I really want to go but I will only do so with my nuclear family you won’t find me on my brother’s or sister’s honeymoon being a third wheel it would break my soul    

Crying is ok – that’s what I’ve realized

2019 has taught me that I’m stronger than I know and braver than I believe.

When you’re greatest fear in life is being left and people die you realize you can survive your greatest fear coming to life – I’ve cried more in 3 months than I have in 28 years (I’m learning to cry just for me)

“I am African – not because I am born in Africa, but because Africa is born in me. The drums of Africa will always beat in my heart. I am where I belong!” – Unknown

My fellow South Africans: May we remember that in the darkest days of Apartheid many South Africans were welcomed into other African countries let us be as hospitable to our brothers and sisters as they were to us. WE CANNOT BURN PEOPLE ALIVE IN THE STREETS! Xenophobia is UNACCEPTABLE!! 

Find the light– that’s my message to the world

Today has been a dark day in South Africa so many bad things and people but I choose to focus on the light, the good people and good things.

It only takes one moment to change a whole day – that’s what i’ve realized.

Today i was remembered in a very special day it moved me so much

There is a place for joy even in the midst of pain– that’s what I’ve realized

Today as I was having ice-cream with my brother I realized that there’s a place for joy in the midst of pain I’m sad and grieving but I can also smile that I have a 19-year-old brother who senses my sadness and literally pulls my face into a smile and feeds me choc-mint ice-cream

Pain is proof that you’ve loved– that’s what I’ve realized

My heart continues to ache from events that haave occurred since June I’m just going to allow myself to ache for a long while

Life is change – that’s what I’ve realized

Today I went back to my physiotherapy in the same practice but with a different person we even used the same room all that was surprisingly okay what was hard was being in the waiting room full of flowers and a picture of Gerda with her dogs and a sign above the picture that read in loving memory of I could not bear to look at the picture and the flowers my mother wasn’t helping matters do you want me to turn the chair around so you can see [the picture] she said turning my chair to face the picture and the flowers to which I said I don’t want to see please turn me around which my mom did in a fast hurry then the lovely long-time receptionist distracted me with conversation until it was time for my appointment (everything was the same the room, the view from the window…everything every single thing except Gerda was not there “J” –my new physiotherapist – is awesome she wasn’t awkward talking about Gerda she’s sad too so I don’t feel bad that I’m sad around her in many ways J and I are in the same boat we are the ones Gerda so abruptly left behind). A new chapter of my life has begun not because I chose but because shit happens – Gerda, I have to move forward but nobody will take your place in my heart and in my memories I am going to open my heart widely to J I know how much you loved her and I know you would want me to love her too I will not compare her to you but together we will form a bond with our own memories and our shared love of you…I will always love you.