The hopes you can never allow yourself to have also break your heart– that’s what I was reminded of today

It’s 4: 37 PM on day 3064 since I started blogging and I managed to pray, read a Bible verse and spend time with family

Today we were having lunch with the family and Sunday we got on the topic of children my 25 year old cousin was talking about how spending time with his niece has got him thinking about the daughter he’s hoping to have someday and I could actually picture him as a phenomenal  father even though I refuse to let myself picture myself as a mother to anybody’s children (whenever I think about my future in terms of my personal life I become a puddle of tears so these days I no longer allow myself to imagine what my children would look like although my dreams betray me on some Saturday mornings I wake up with a broken heart and sometimes actual tears after having dreamt of two adorable children tiptoeing into the room to pillow-fight with me and their daddy –it’s always the same picture and it always crushes me I wish I could allow myself to hope)