It only takes one moment to change a whole day – that’s what i’ve realized.

Today i was remembered in a very special day it moved me so much

There is a place for joy even in the midst of pain– that’s what I’ve realized

Today as I was having ice-cream with my brother I realized that there’s a place for joy in the midst of pain I’m sad and grieving but I can also smile that I have a 19-year-old brother who senses my sadness and literally pulls my face into a smile and feeds me choc-mint ice-cream

Pain is proof that you’ve loved– that’s what I’ve realized

My heart continues to ache from events that haave occurred since June I’m just going to allow myself to ache for a long while

Life is change – that’s what I’ve realized

Today I went back to my physiotherapy in the same practice but with a different person we even used the same room all that was surprisingly okay what was hard was being in the waiting room full of flowers and a picture of Gerda with her dogs and a sign above the picture that read in loving memory of I could not bear to look at the picture and the flowers my mother wasn’t helping matters do you want me to turn the chair around so you can see [the picture] she said turning my chair to face the picture and the flowers to which I said I don’t want to see please turn me around which my mom did in a fast hurry then the lovely long-time receptionist distracted me with conversation until it was time for my appointment (everything was the same the room, the view from the window…everything every single thing except Gerda was not there “J” –my new physiotherapist – is awesome she wasn’t awkward talking about Gerda she’s sad too so I don’t feel bad that I’m sad around her in many ways J and I are in the same boat we are the ones Gerda so abruptly left behind). A new chapter of my life has begun not because I chose but because shit happens – Gerda, I have to move forward but nobody will take your place in my heart and in my memories I am going to open my heart widely to J I know how much you loved her and I know you would want me to love her too I will not compare her to you but together we will form a bond with our own memories and our shared love of you…I will always love you.    

Gratitude is the cure-all – that’s what I have realized

Today I was sitting outside crying about how next year I would have to take my birthday cake to the cemetery (I always save some birthday cake for Gerda and everybody at the office and on her birthday she bought me an entire cake – the cake-swap was our tradition) until I realized she lived 51 whole years lots of happy memories and I was sad that we wouldn’t make new ones I mean it is sad but we also had great moments full of love and laughter I’m going to focus on that and be grateful

Grief is lonely– that’s what I have realized

As I sit in my grief more intense than anything I’ve ever experienced I’m thinking somebody I love please call me I feel so alone…somebody, anybody. My silent cellphone is telling me something about the people in my life that I really don’t want to hear.   

The boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins? Edgar Allan Poe

Today I was at my physiotherapist’s funeral it was the one event I never imagined I would have to attend so soon watching people wave at the hearse as it drove away with her inside it broke my heart.

“Crying is cleansing. There’s a reason for tears, happiness or sadness.” – Dionne Warwick

Two days ago I just decided not to cry in the evening now I just wait for everybody to go to work then I go outside and cry by myself for a few minutes (I’m pretty sure our housekeeper hears me but she knows not to tell my family so that’s fine – I don’t like crying in front of people, not even ones through which I can to be plus they worry too much (my mom has been sleeping in my bed for the past 4 days hope she thinks I’m fine and moves out soon)

Pain is proof that you’ve loved – that’s what I have realized

Yesterday morning and the night before I was vomiting my guts out Gerda’s probably smiling down on me saying I knew you loved me deep, deep down my story was shaped by her presence and will be further shaped by her absence…this hurts so much so so much.