Different is cool but it’s also painful– that’s what I was reminded of today

It’s 3: 53 PM on day 3066 since I started blogging and I managed to pray, read a Bible verse, spend time outside and do some work

Today I found myself outside under a tree in tears thinking “i don’t want to be like this i want to get married, have children and do all the things that are certainties for most people” it’s so hard being indian and different I always say different is cool and it is but it’s also painful today I just want to be the same as everyone, same problems, same joys, same hopes but I will never be the same I will always have to work harder to thrive

The hopes you can never allow yourself to have also break your heart– that’s what I was reminded of today

It’s 4: 37 PM on day 3064 since I started blogging and I managed to pray, read a Bible verse and spend time with family

Today we were having lunch with the family and Sunday we got on the topic of children my 25 year old cousin was talking about how spending time with his niece has got him thinking about the daughter he’s hoping to have someday and I could actually picture him as a phenomenal  father even though I refuse to let myself picture myself as a mother to anybody’s children (whenever I think about my future in terms of my personal life I become a puddle of tears so these days I no longer allow myself to imagine what my children would look like although my dreams betray me on some Saturday mornings I wake up with a broken heart and sometimes actual tears after having dreamt of two adorable children tiptoeing into the room to pillow-fight with me and their daddy –it’s always the same picture and it always crushes me I wish I could allow myself to hope)  

Nothing worth doing is ever done with ease– that’s what I was reminded of today

It’s 8: 27 PM on day 3063 since I started blogging and I managed to pray, read a Bible verse and spend time with family

Today I was implementing something and as per usual there were a few hitches which reminded me that nothing worth doing is ever done with ease

“Mother’s love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved.” – Erich Fromm

It’s 1: 31 PM on day 3062 since I started blogging and I managed to pray, read a Bible verse, outside and do some work

On this day some seasons ago my mommy was born she is definition of everything a mother was meant to be strong yet gentle, kind, loving, devoted, compassionate and honest. I learn from my mother the power of being – oftentimes she cannot fix my life and all that pains me but she is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS there – I’ll never forget watching her watch the nurse taking the stitches out of my arm after my surgery her face was contorted in all sorts of ways i knew she couldn’t bear to watch what was happening and yet she stayed as she always does. THANK YOU Mommy for always choosing to bear witness to my life even when it shatters your heart. THANK YOU for filling the gap between what i can do and what i want to do – you are literally my arms and legs. THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU AND THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO EVERY SINGLE DAY. Happy Happy Happy Birthday. God bless you always!

There are times in life when you need to go all in and go for broke – that’s what I’ve realized.

It’s 11: 15 AM on day 3060 since I started blogging and I managed to pray, read a Bible verse, spend time outside and do some work.

Today I was reminded that sometimes half-measures just won’t do that sometimes you have to go all in and go for broke and trust that the things in the future will take care of themselves.