The most important choice you’ll ever make is the choice you make to choose hope over fear – that’s what I’ve realized

Today there’s a lot of things weighing on my heart but I’m choosing hope over fear   

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,

 – Ecclesiastes 3:2

This season of my life is teaching me about the impermanence of life I’m shocked and holding on to everyone I love knowing that it won’t matter how hard I hold on

Expect the unexpected – that’s what I’ve realized

Yesterday i found out that my boys (the twins I love so much at the place of safety I often visit) have been removed from the place of safety into a cluster foster home without much warning and FOR NO REASON…after everything they have endured at the hands of their biological family they deserved to be happy instead they have been removed from the only place they have known and from the only people they have ever known I’m so heartbroken and sad

You don’t know the measure of your love till you’ve lost– that’s what I’ve realized

Recently I realized that we don’t know the measure of our love till we’ve lost it’s been almost a month since Gerda died and I’m still crying about it every day twice a day – my parents think I’m back to myself because I cry when they’re not here and into my pillow under the cover of darkness – it would have been less painful if someone just ripped my heart out I now realize how much I truly loved Gerda she who didn’t have children of her own probably didn’t even know she was like a second mother to me – even my parents knew her place in my life which is why before I embarked on any of my crazy-dangerous adventures they would say let’s ask Gerda first no matter how much I wanted to do something I wouldn’t do it without Gerda’s blessing (I once wanted to go Scuba Diving she said no and when I continued to plead with her she held a tissue paper in front of my face and asked me to blow it away I thought I did a good job but she said your breath control is not good enough and in that moment I so appreciated that she took the time to demonstrate why she said no to my request I never brought it up again…Gerda was truly The Nisha Whisperer I miss her so much already)  

You have to feel it to heal it-that’s what I’ve realized

Recently I realized that contrary to popular belief we don’t get over things but rather through them we feel it, experience it and move forward  

Change is hard – that’s what I’ve realized

Last week at only 2^nd appointment with my new physiotherapist I had to tell her I was on my period (my physio needs to know about my cycle because I’m a lot stiffer when I’m on my period) I paused for a second before I said anything but eventually I told her (with Gerda I hardly had to mention it she had known me since before I started my period so she could instinctively notice the changes in my body) things have changed and it’s taking me a while to get used to

Life is always a gift – that’s what I’ve realized

Today I realized that no matter what I’m going through I’m still alive to go through it and that is something to always be grateful for

Life is hard for everyone– that’s what I’ve realized

Next year my siblings and I want to visit Europe my father doesn’t want to go – it’s not even about the cost my siblings and I are paying he’s just a homebody –  and if he doesn’t go I can’t because I need to be lifted, carried and pushed my siblings can go with their future families or by themselves but if I don’t next year I’ll never go my parents are already in their 50s and aging I really want to go but I will only do so with my nuclear family you won’t find me on my brother’s or sister’s honeymoon being a third wheel it would break my soul    

Crying is ok – that’s what I’ve realized

2019 has taught me that I’m stronger than I know and braver than I believe.

When you’re greatest fear in life is being left and people die you realize you can survive your greatest fear coming to life – I’ve cried more in 3 months than I have in 28 years (I’m learning to cry just for me)